Selasa, 12 Juni 2012

Tuesday

Grapes, Apples and CHEESE!
My breakfast today was on the run.  I picked it up at Walmart on the way to work.  The vastness of that store always amazes me.  I have nothing against Walmart in general, no politics or prejudice of any kind and I needed food asap, so I stopped at the most convenient place I could imagine.  I found this little packaged fruit + cheese snack thing and I bought it feeling like I made the best food decision I have made in a while.  The health perfectionist in me, the voice that always gives me a hard time when I am eating poorly said.. This prepackaged meal has a shitload of preservatives and CHEESE in it so really, you're not eating all that great, Missy...   But I can't always fight the voice, moreover, I need to change it or change my lazy ways.  I don't see compromise in my diet.  For me it is all or nothing - this is me, it is how I think and operate, it is what I want for myself.  Good health at 100%.

And this breakfast was "decent" for me.  As in, better than most of the junk I have been feeding my body.  I have put little thought into any of the things that I eat, sometimes just eating because it looks yummy, not because I am hungry at all.  Fast food has entered my diet and that is pretty much the bottom of the barrel for me.  I *know* deep in my soul how disgusting food like that is and all of the horrors behind the industry.  I have read information about how that food is made - the chemicals - the sludge - and seen the videos of factory farming and animal abuse.  It breaks my heart and makes me feel sick.  I *know* about it now, I am informed (dare I say "enlightened") and with that information, eating so thoughtlessly is real bad. 

I already feel a little better getting this off my chest!  The fact that I have been so lazy as to let the things that matter so much, fall to the wayside because I can't be bothered to see beyond my own daily "problems" is really a pity.  Someone recently said that I have been living "insanely" in reference to my personal life (and life with Violet) but I don't agree.  Yeah for the purpose of self preservation I leave some big details out of this forum.  Generally though, I think I have made a bunch of stress for myself and not been taking care of my health.  That tends to happen sometimes, even to the coolest ladies.  What may seem insane to one (this person being someone who is afraid to really live and take giant, super wild chances!) is just what normal life is like to another.

I have made major, major changes in my life this year.  I changed jobs! Changed living spaces - more than once!  Changed relationships, some good, some bad.  Changed my life around in so many ways!!  This is life for me.  And yeah, it has not been a smooth ride.  I can't keep my diet right, I can't get on my yoga mat like I want to and I change my mind about people and things pretty often.  I get so very, very sad sometimes that I don't know what to do and I make a ton of mistakes.  BUT I do know that I want to spend my time with my daughter and I want to like what I do for work.  I want to take care of myself and maybe I don't know if I am ready to handle all the hearts that want me or if I can accept that some people hate me.  I am trying my hardest to make it all work and I am pretty honest when I say that sometimes I don't have a clue what I am doing.  I felt for so long like I was sleeping, like life was just happening to me instead of me really living... but now I know that I am awake, WIDE awake.   

So what I really want to say today is that I know in my heart that my diet and movement have everything to do with who I am and how I feel about myself.  Eating well and moving my body make me feel alive and when I feel like that, I feel GOOD.  Good about Violet, good about love, good about work, good about my choices... just damn good. 

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