Jumat, 30 November 2012


Lately I've been feeling a little old.

Mostly I've never really cared about my age.  It doesn't bother me since I can't help aging (as the alternative is death!) and I really don't mind getting older, generally speaking.  It is normal and natural. 

Yes wrinkles, dry skin, grey hairs and some "sag" have crept in, I won't sugarcoat.  But really, I am happy to be in my thirties now and although my youth is fading, I am okay with it all for the most part.

What does bother me about my age though are the following thoughts:

1. I wonder, am I "accomplished" enough?  I mean, being a younger looking, sprightly 33-year-old is fine.  BUT have I really done anything in all of these years?  Am I where I should be? 

Someone asked me recently what my "plan" was for the future and I was all like, what plan?  To work and sleep and eat.  That is my plan, man!  Maybe I have kind of lost sight of my goals and dreams lately, trying to make money and be on my own.  Maybe I have forgotten that I still need to grow personally and professionally.

2. Do I look like I should at this age?  There are ladies at my work, my age, that wear tailored outfits, matched with very conservative looking shoes.  They have matchy scarves and suit coats and nice hair.  They look like they have it together, like real professionals.

I am pretty disheveled (but I thought in a cute way, c'mon) and my hair is never perfectly groomed.

People are ALWAYS shocked at my age.  A colleague asked me just this morning and gasped when I told her.  She said, "I thought you were 25!!"  I wasn't sure if this is good or bad.  Good because I look young I guess, but bad because I act it?

3. I am now The 30-Something Single Mother.  This is NOT where I thought I would be.  I have lost sight of what I want or need relationship-wise.  Marriage?  No way, been there and I am not cut-out for it (at least not yet).  Boyfriends?  I don't think so, I can't keep my shit together.  Friends?  Yes perhaps, but who the hell wants to be friends with me?  People want things... like sex.  This is not going to happen.  I guess I just feel really lost when it comes to these things and also, I feel really undesirable.  I have baggage.  Issues.  So many issues.

I don't know where I am going with these thoughts.  Just venting I guess. 

I've kind of always felt like I should dress more conservative (boring?) or have a true hairstyle.  Or go back to school and become more defined professionally.   Aren't I supposed to married, in a house, being a good wife, having more babies... am I a failure?  I like to think not!  I just have a different course in life than what I had imagined.

Actually, I guess that answers my doubts here:  I am me, all 33-years of me, and maybe I am not as accomplished or polished or whatever, as I might think I should be.  But I still feel pretty good about myself as I am, right now.

Senin, 26 November 2012


The other night my late grandmother guest starred in my dreams.  It doesn't happen often but when it does, it makes me feel so happy.  As if she is paying me a special visit from beyond.  I hang on to the memory and the feeling of it for days after.

I want to hold on to these little bursts of her when they happen.  I think about how I miss her dearly.  How I am still so lucky to have had her in my life.  How I don't know if I will ever feel such warmth from another person ever again.  And how that fact is kind of a tragedy and gift all in itself.

I meant to finally take inventory and organize her personal items that I received shortly after her passing.  They have been inside a closet, in a bag, stuffed there for years, untouched.  I haven't been able to look at them yet.  The pain of her loss has remained right there all of this time.  I think I am almost ready to do this task though as I think it might help me feel close to her again.

The lady herself and Miss Violet, 2008.

Minggu, 25 November 2012


Today Violet, her Grammy (my stepmum) and I attended a showing of The Nutcracker at a local theater.

It was really great.  None of us had ever attended a ballet so it was a new and exciting experience.

Violet held attention on-and-off for the majority of the performance.  She became sleepy towards the end but I don't fault the performers, she is just still so young and also, recovering from a week-long sickness.

The dancing was amazing.

Ballet dancers really awe me though, they are so beautiful and graceful.  I think that I would enjoy seeing more ballet someday, maybe on a professional, big city level.

Here are a couple of shots from our day:

Grammy A and Miss Violet before the show.

Waiting for the show to begin..

A big thank you to my 'rents for gifting us this opportunity.

I hope that Violet's love of theater will continue.

Jumat, 23 November 2012


This Thanksgiving was all about the newest addition to our family, Baby L.

We gave him lots of lovin' throughout the day and it was a nice, relaxing time.

Mommy J and Baby L!

Auntie and L.

He is so beautiful.

I did not see Violet at all Thanksgiving day but I thought about her the whole time.  I miss her more and more every day it seems.  I hope that we are able to spend more time together soon. 

Selasa, 20 November 2012


Violet has been sick for three days.

She has been sick before of course but this time, I was pretty scared.  On my way to the doctor's office, I felt my first pang of real "what if" panic, like what if my girl is seriously sick.  Like not curable sick.  I've had thoughts like this before as any parent does but to really experience the possibility of a child being very ill is absolutely frightening.

Thankfully she is completely okay.  Her fever (after three full days of off/on fevers) spiked to over 103 degrees.  After various testing they concluded that she is stricken with a virus (a flu?) and will be okay within a few days.

This illness marked the first time that I was almost incapable of caring for her myself.  I had to work both of my jobs and could not afford to take the time.  When I did see her - for my designated hour in the morning - I was tired and unable to give her the nurturing I wished I could.  This makes me so sad I cannot explain.  When all is said and done and I look back at our life together, I want to be able to say I was there for her.  And I do not feel like I was there for her during this important time.

Thankfully though, her Daddy (and my Dad too!!) picked up the slack and really nursed her very well.

Senin, 19 November 2012


I am pretty sure I am the most awkward person to ever exist.

I find myself in situations daily where I don't know what to say and in response, I just walk away or say something weird.

I feel like a giant geek. 

I sure put myself out there a lot though and for that, I make no apologies.  Geek or not.

I am going to take chances regardless of the "stupid" factor.  As someone said recently, I won't "let something as stupid as looking stupid make me not live and love to my fullest".

Minggu, 18 November 2012

Happy Holidays Weigh-In!

I'm a little late on posting my weigh-in from Friday. Things have started to get busy with the holidays around the corner. My In-Laws are here for the week to spend Thanksgiving with us. I've been running around cleaning, shopping, and picking everything up for our Thanksgiving feast!

I am so excited for Thanksgiving (and Christmas!!!). Aside from stuffing, I'm most excited to dig into the pecan pie bars from my 12 Days of :Deliciously Healthy Christmas Cookies.
Pecan Pie Bars
12 Days of :Deliciously Healthy Christmas Cookies
What Thanksgiving dish are you most excited for?


Weigh-in Day:

Last weeks weight-199.5
This weeks weight-199
-.5 lbs
 Slow and steady... but I can do better.

Senin, 12 November 2012


Violet and I attended my neice, Baby A's baptism yesterday.

It was a very nice time had by all.

SO MANY babies were in attendance, my baby meter was going off the charts!  There were many cuties there but honestly, my five year old baby was still my most favorite (and I wouldn't return to the infant days right now for all the money in the world).

There is something so wonderful about a fresh, new baby though.  Baby L had us all in LOVE, he is so beautiful and perfect.  And little A was such a sweet girl, even after so much handling all day long.  We have some very special children in our family.

Here are some captured moments:

The ceremony.

Baby A with her 'rents and Godparents.

My girls!

Grammy and A.

Grammy's girls.

My Mom's youngest.

Baby L!!

The party after.

Auntie K and Baby L!  What a little bundle of love.


Jumat, 09 November 2012

My Favorite Things! And my weigh-In

MONTHLY FAVORITES SERIES~ Where I share with you all of the products I've been loving over the past month. Some will be new finds, products that I've rediscovered, or products that I've just randomly gravitated towards that month :D


 Favorite Healthy Foods:

I'd say 5 out of 7 mornings from mid October on, I have had shredded wheat with agave or honey drizzled on top. I've always loved shredded wheat, but this past month I just couldn't get enough of it. Some mornings, it's the only thing that got me out of bed ;)

I've been loving these sandwich thins! I'll usually have half of a sandwich thin to make toast in the morning, or as a low calorie snack. I'll either put Jam, PB and honey, or LF cream cheese on it. And I of course like using them for sandwiches. 1 roll is 100 calories. Way better then 180 calories for two slices of bread. Who just shaved 80 calories of their sandwich? I did.

I may have gone through one too many boxes of these granola bars this month. But they're just so good! For 140 calories they hold me over until lunch or dinner, and satisfy my sweet tooth. I like to keep one in my purse, in case I get hungry while I'm out and about. It's saved me from pulling into a drive through on several occasions. Who needs a quick burger when they have a yummy healthy treat in their purse?

I've never been a fan of canned soup, but in the beginning of October I saw these soups in the store, and I thought I'd give them a try. Since that day, they've been 50% of my lunches. Every time I run to the store, I always stock back up. My favorites are the Healthy Choice tortellini tomato soup, and Campbells mexican style chicken tortilla. Plus, both are all natural!

Favorite Makeup:

MAC Handwritten
I bought this eyeshadow back in February, but for some reason never used it until this past month. It's a rich brown color, with a hint of plum... or burgundy? Whatever it is, it's gorgeous. I started using it as an eyeliner, and then I branched out and used it to create a smokey eye. I love how rich the color is, but still be subtle enough to wear with confidence. I think it's the perfect fall/winter eye shadow. I love the way it brings out the brown in my eyes, but I also think it would make blue eyes pop. LOVE.

Urban Decay- Sin
I've been wearing Urban Decay's Sin eyeshadow every single day during the month of October (and still;). It's a beautiful light pearly pink color. Most days I'll use it with the Mac Handwritten shadow. I just put the Sin shadow on the inner half of my eyelids, and handwritten on the outer half, smoking it out. (If you want a tutorial on this look, you can email, FB, or leave a comment to let me know:). On my more lazy days, I just pop this Sin shadow all over my lid, with a quick coating of mascara, and whola! No longer a hot mess ;) 

MAC Creamcup
I've been hearing all about the creamcup lipstick, so I finally decided to give it a try. It's just the perfect, light pink color, that goes with everything. I bought it in the beginning of October, and have worn it almost everyday since.

Favorite hair and skin care:

I'm just going to admit that I'm way too lazy to take off my makeup at night. So most nights I would just get in my jammies, brush my teeth, take my meds, and hit the sack, with a makeup filled face. I had tried makeup removing wipes a couple years ago, but they irritted my skin, and dried it out. I saw these wipes at target, and something about them just made me want to try the whole face wipes thing again. I'm glad I did, because I love these! They're gentle on my skin, but are still able to remove all of my makeup, the quick and easy way. Even my mascara! I use them every single night, and have definitely seen an improvement in my skin. I can't believe I used to go to bed with all that make up on!

Aquage root lifting foam
Pretty much ma' whole life I've been searching for the perfect root lifter. Root lifter is one of the top 3 products I can't live without. If I ever run out, without having a backup supply, I seriously get in a depressed funk until I pick some up again. Which is why I usually always have a back up supply. A life without volumized hair, is just not a life I want to live. The last time I went to get my hair cut, the lady used this on my hair, and I was blown away by the volume it gave my hair. Better yet, the volume lasted all. day. long. FINALLY I had found the root lifter of all root lifters! It foams up like a mouse, and gives your roots a very slight bit of texture, without it feeling yucky.

What have been some of your favorite products?


Weigh-in Day:

Last weeks weight- 200
This weeks weight-199.5
-.5 lbs

I had a rough week starting out. The Halloween candy finally got to me. By mid week I started to shape things up again, but it's only been over the past couple days that I've been doing my best. My goal for next week is 197.

Kamis, 08 November 2012


A few words on romantic LOVE...

Look for the Right Wrong.

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. 

But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are — that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person — someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

- Galway Kinnell  (courtesy of The Angry Therapist)

Admittedly, I may be the worst person to ever be in a relationship with, EVER.  So I find thoughts like this comforting because they make me feel that even ME, in all my spazzy splendor, may have a chance at keeping a relationship together someday.  I know I have a lot of work to do first but I like knowing it could still happen.

Selasa, 06 November 2012


My youngest sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy this morning at 3:22am (my guess was 3am! boo ya!) coming in at just over 8 pounds and 20 inches long.  He is a masterpiece.

I held him today and gave his sweet face my kisses.

Welcome to our family Baby L!  You will be completely surrounded by women but we will love you endlessly.


Senin, 05 November 2012


This past Saturday Violet attended her very first school friend birthday party!

Violet was pretty shy at first and overtired (she had an auntie sleepover the night before), so it was a little bumpy for us.  Towards the end, she was playing and really enjoying herself though.

The birthday girl happens to be Violet's most favorite school friend.  She calls her a BFF.

This little girl is SO SUPER CUTE.  I can see why Violet adores her (and vice versa).  Oh, and thanks to little Noa, Violet eases into the school drop off much easier these days.


Okay... so... I wanted to really try and be social at this party.  You know, maybe meet other Mommies on my terms and maybe strike up the start of a friendship.  I knew this wouldn't be easy, I am not nicey-nicey or all that socially gifted.  Needless to say, I did not make any new Mommy friends.

This is why...

95% of the ladies at the party were PREGNANT.  They gathered around each other like little hens and talked about babyhood things and pregnancy and such.  Being pretty much 100% nonbaby-affiliated, I kind of felt on the outside right away.  It was all husbands and wives, with their 2 + 1/2 kids, talking the obligatory family talk.  I just don't fit that crowd.  Maybe I once did, maybe I should be more open or whatever, but really, I didn't feel like THAT kind of circle is where I would fit comfortably.

I fit in with the more cynical moms.  I know they are out there.  The ones that talk about their bad children, everyday mistakes, shitty jobs and sex lives freely.  I will be on the lookout for those ladies next time.

Minggu, 04 November 2012


One of the blogs that I follow, Hannah, just breathe... posted something important the other day that I cannot get out of my head.

I am sort of always "going through some things" and for whatever reason, this quote has me haunted, like it was there for me to see, for a reason.

I have to share:

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

Please follow the link.

Jumat, 02 November 2012

Pumpkin Bread, and Weigh-in Day!

I've officially burned through my first batch of pumpkin candles, that I bought a few weeks ago. So instead of running off to buy more, I thought I'd fill my house with the cozy scent of pumpkin, by baking up some pumpkin bread. It worked like a charm, and was better then any candle. And you can't eat a candle.
Pumpkin Bread: 2. Candle: 0.

I had no motivation to do anything besides bake, and watch TV this evening. Luckily the little timer letting me know the bread was done baking went off right around supper time. So this deliciously moist pumpkin bread doubled as dinner and dessert. Score.
  • 1/2 cup sugar free applesauce
  • 1/2 cup of sugar
  • 1/2 cup of packed brown sugar
  • 2 eggs (beaten)
  • 1 15oz can of pumpkin
  • 1 1/2 cup of whole wheat pastry flour
  • 1/4 tsp. of salt
  • 1/2 tsp. of cinnamon
  • 1/2 tsp. of nutmeg
  • 1 tsp. of baking soda
  • Mix the applesauce and both of the sugars into a large bowl.
  • Once mixed, stir in the beaten eggs and canned pumpkin. Add the remaining dry ingredients and mix thoroughly.
  • Pour the batter into a greased bread pan.
  • Bake at 350, for 40-50 min. Or until toothpick comes out clean
  • Servings-7
  • Serving size- 1 inch slice
  • Calories per serving- 226
I sprinkled mine with some chopped pecans, and a light dusting of powder sugar. Heaven on a plate.


Weigh-in Day:

Last weeks weight- 202.5
This weeks weight- 200
-2.5 lbs

My goal was to be back in the 100's by today's weigh-in... But I KNOW I'll be there next week!

Kamis, 01 November 2012