Senin, 04 Juni 2012

Monday

I took this picture of Violet on her scooter on my birthday, last Saturday.



We scooted to a park near my apartment.  There was a wedding going on there, so we watched them from afar, beautiful ladies in red dresses, the bride and her flower girl too.  Then we played Lion King - she was baby simba and I was skar.  It was just us and that wedding party there and I remember I felt really really special to be with my girl.

Lately it has been a real struggle to feel good.  My schedule allows one hour with her in the evening and one hour in the morning before work + school.  These two hours leave little quality time for the two of us.  Because her father and I separated, I see her one day on the weekend.  This day reigns as my most important now.  If it is marred by her want to be with her Dad over me (which happens almost every day I see her now) or if we struggle to get along or if some other circumstance does not allow a good day between us, it can feel devastating.

I miss her so much that I can't even begin to explain it.  I think about her all hours of the day and I cry for her most days too.  The kind of pain I feel over missing her or being rejected by her is deeper than any other I've ever known.  And of course in my life I've loved many -- men, women, friends, family.  I've been heartbroken before.  But the kind of love I have for her, it trumps all others before and it cuts deeper than anything I have ever known.  No one can prepare a mother for this kind of love and pain.  It just is what it is and must be lived to really know. 

My current schedule is not working for me.  I am trying to reconfigure some things so that I can spend more time with Violet.  I would like to get her from school some afternoons, instead of being the one that must ALWAYS drop her off.  She hates the transition from home to school and I would love to do something about it -- retrieve her early, stay home some days, something, anything.  I don't know if she needs me but I know I still need her, so I am going to try and make it work.

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