Monday

Little Violet gave my Dad her lovely sticker-coded pegasus picture for Father's Day.

My Stepmother (recently demonstrating how she can now send images via text message!) sent me a picture of it hanging on their wall in the kitchen.  She displayed it in such a manner as to allow my Dad to see it each time he sits down for a meal.  This made me smile...

Her text read: "Tell Violet that Grampy loves his present".

I had a couple weeks of preschool drop-off relief!  Violet's Daddy had her out of school for two big ones and that meant that I could go to work without that added stress.  No tears or begging or feelings of enormous guilt.  It was nice, really nice.  I did miss our routine in a certain way but not enough to want to bring her to school.  No way.

This morning was a cruel reminder of how difficult it is for me to bring her to school every day.  She cried and begged and then I cried and wished it wasn't so hard for us. 

It feels like lately, all of my actions and decisions have been based around Violet and our life together.  I don't know if this is a healthy shift or if it is getting a little out-of-control.  If I am getting to be TOO Violet-focused.  Once upon a time, I did things for me.  Or I made decisions (like my separation from Hubs) based on my own life and feelings, not solely on Violet's.  But now the tables have turned completely.  I suppose our hurried schedule and lack of time together has had a tremendous impact on this trend.  But I just wonder if I am too emotional, too caught-up in my guilt to think clearly sometimes.  OR if I am on the right track by not thinking about what I want/need and instead, doing what I think is right/best for my special girl.   

I mostly say this because quite frankly, I am REALLY REALLY upset by her reaction to school.  She hates it, she literally HATES it.  She pleads with me to keep her home.  She has never gone to school for a day without some kind of opposition and she has been going to school since February.  And yeah, we have been working with her to try and ease this transition.  It has NOT worked.  The girl just hates school, period.  And because of this, I feel zero motivation to do anything but find a way to stay home more so that she doesn't have to go through this any longer.  If she doesn't like it and she doesn't have to go (read: she only goes because Mommy wanted to see what it was like to have a grown-up job) then why keep making our lives such a downer?  I want her to feel good and happy, she is waaaay too young to have this much stress and worry in her life.  She shouldn't have to do something she hates day after day.  I want to find a better way!!

Every thing I do now is in regard to her or her schedule.  Things I once considered so important have now fallen behind.  It almost feels like I had to go and change everything, screw some things up, just to finally realize that what I had is what I needed all along.  I know that sounds kind of jumbled but I am sure I know what I mean.  I haven't made any decisions lately without the utmost concern for Violet, in fact all of my choices have been in her honor. I suppose this is great and I should really not worry so much!  I have moved into a smelly studio apartment so that she could have more stability between her Daddy's apartment and my own. I have been looking for work again closer to home. I have been seriously considering so many things and not one time have I done something to knowingly jeopardize her happiness or stability. So I feel pretty good about the Mother in me.

I need Violet and I want to get our time together back.  There has to be a way to combine everything we want, need and love: school, work and play.  I think what I am looking for is BALANCE.  I want to know where mine should naturally be.  Lord I wish I knew the answers. 

I've definitely felt good lately about all of the special time I've been spending with her and changes I have been making to create a better schedule for us.  I've hit some pretty nasty bumps in the skeptic department - people giving me a hard time or insulting me - and I find them annoying rather than earth shattering like before.  I know I take good care of my girl, the best way I know how.