Wednesday

This family heirloom doll is from Texas.  V's Great Grandmother made it over 30 years ago.

Violet was looking through an old family photo album with her Daddy one day, saw a doll just like this (might even be this one) and told him that she wanted it.  He said that dolls like this, his grandmother would make by hand and give to the children, but of course, she has been gone for a long time now and so have those dolls.  He said he wished he could give her one but that it was impossible now...

Turns out a relative found one of the dolls and sent it to him!  Pretty cool!

Wednesday

This is true. 

I post this because my lil' sis S sent me a text message after reading my last post.
She told me that it will be OKAY.  She is a child and family therapist and also a very special, knowledgable lady -- she said Violet's reaction to the sitter is normal and will probably extend to her upcoming preschool stint too.  To know this is comforting and frustrating all at the same time.

I am glad to have people around that know these things.  I was pretty much caught up in the fire for a while there, in my own head, thinking serious job-quitting thoughts.  I was ready to throw in the towel and truthfully, I am still reeling a little.  I don't know what I am doing!  But I never really do and most of the time I only rush through this kind of chaos and hope it works out after.

In my own experience, for a long while now, things haven't felt quite comfortable.  Life in general has felt uneasy.  It is hard to describe really, but it feels like I am not where I should be.  I don't know if I mean physically or emotionally as the lines have definitely blurred.  I don't know what I am doing or if I am doing anything right - for me and my girl.  I am not sad or mad or a mess -- just kind of in no-man's-land right now.  Maybe it is a phase.  I mean I hope it is.  The separation from Violet's Daddy and the obstacles of our strained schedule have pushed me into a kind of stressed state of being all of the time.

I struggle with diet and exercise more than ever.  My body rarely moves anymore.  I find that I am scrunched up, closed in and tight, causing pressure inside and out. There is a kind of shallowness of breath and persistant headache that I sometimes ignore and sometimes cannot.

I know diet and exercise are the keys to health - emotional and physical health - and ignoring them are hurtful.

My crazy veggie based diet and my love for yoga are my saving grace.  They can feel like another obstacle or "chore" because life as I know it is designed for convenience and speed.  Setting aside time to do a yoga routine or prepare all of my own meals can be almost impossible sometimes.  I have to remember that I NEED these things to live, to be me, to feel like myself.  The further I get from what I love, the worse I feel.  I am worth the effort, damn it, I know this already.  The expense of organic, fresh food and yoga classes is high but so is my losing my grip.  I do the math and it is quite clear.

Monday Blues

Diet and exercise aside - not that I am very successful at either these days - I have been having a very hard time lately. 

Violet does not like going to childcare. 

Some days are better than others, yes.  But for the most part, she does not like it.  I have found ways to help the transition but she is adamant and strong.  She knows how she feels about it and does not want to be in a strange place.  I do not blame her either.

This is her last week at the sitter's as she starts preschool next week.  She seems to have mixed feelings about her time there.  She tells me that she is lonely, that she has a hard time with some of the other children... then when her Daddy picks her up in the afternoon, she tells him she had fun that day.  I definitely wish he had some responsibility bringing her there in the mornings, he doesn't share any of the sadness -- I feel like a horrible mother, abandoning my child.  I cannot be consoled the entire ride to work.  I think of her tears and her little arms wrapped around me, begging me not to leave her.  And for what?  To make peanuts, after a 45 minute commute (costing me about $10 per day right now with tolls and the ridiculous cost of fuel).

These encounters make me question EVERYTHING.  Am I doing the right thing?  Should I look for a different job where I can work at night again?  Is she going to love me less now?  Will she believe I abandoned her, for real?  Is any of this even worth it?  If I get another job won't I regret it when she goes to school full time in September?  Will I always regret taking this job because I had a few precious months left with her?

I feel sad and lost and I don't know how to handle the feelings.  If it is not one thing, it seems to be another.  I found a job I actually like (pay aside) but now I have to mourn the loss of Violet time and the horror show of leaving her somewhere she doesn't want to be.  The heartbreak I feel when I leave her there is stronger than any pain I've known so far.  No stupid relationship heartache or mean-spirited relative has ever hurt me like this.  This is what pain really is and I hope it passes soon!

Monday

My Source: *Always Love*

Tuesday

So this is the building where my office is located.  Those two top left windows, yeah, they are mine.

And an aerial view of the entire museum village.  It is breathtaking.



I haven't even seen everything yet.  The buildings stretch far and wide and as you can see, there is a pond and many trails to explore.  When the weather improves I definitely have many adventures waiting..

Monday

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along. 

~Margaret Culkin Banning

I really really miss my baby today.

Sunday

Today we had a visit with Baby A!
Then Grammy (my Mom) took Violet school shopping.
She spoiled us -- big time.
We had a really nice time.  And it was SOOOO good to hold that little love bundle again.  I missed her.

Friday



Unicorn Bike!

Friday

Baby A is so amazingly, perfectly, wonderfully ADORABLE!

So yesterday was a tough, tough day for me and little V-monster.  I had this super important preschool interview for us and it turned out lousy.  Violet whined and cried and said, "I'm bored" the whole time.  She was rude and stubborn and maybe the worst I have ever seen her be in public.  It was bad.  I got out of there and really let her have it.  Her behavior was totally unacceptable, even for a four-year-old.  It was just too much.  I was so upset and I thought for sure we had blown our chances at that school.

With some friendly reassurance I finished the paperwork though and submitted her registration.  I thought, what the hell, they obviously see that she needs a good place to grow and learn and maybe some structure (and dare I say, discipline!).  And as it turns out, she got in! 

I took the plunge and did it all by myself and I feel really good about it. 

I haven't really felt very self reliant or strong for a long time, and honestly, I don't know how truly independent I even am now -- but taking charge of where I want my little girl to spend her time away from me, has felt empowering and good for my soul.

From a Mom standpoint, I can see that yesterday's preschool incident could have been avoided...
I should have packed her a snack, crayons and a doodle book.  I should have planned better.  In my four years as Violet's Mommy I have picked up on the fact that I have the power alone to make a situation good or bad.
Then, after the incident, I shouldn't have freaked out on her so strongly.  I really let the stress of my life (work, money, love and every other f*cking thing in my brain) come down on her which was a HUGE MISTAKE.  My time with Violet is so limited, it can be devastating to waste a moment of it.

Thursday: Violet is so beautiful

Tuesday

Baby A in her Valentine's outfit!  I love it!!

 And I love her.

Tuesday

My Valentine Lovebug!

Happy V Day to all!  I am not the biggest fan of this greeting-card-style holiday BUT I will say, I don't mind all the references to love and chocolate.  Especially chocolate.

This past weekend my old work colleagues treated me to dinner!  It was a lovely time.  It reminded me that I did put my time in there, that it was not all bad, that people appreciated me and genuinely liked me, and that I liked them very much too.  Maybe the job was not for me but some of my work friends certainly were.  I miss them.  And I definitely miss MCB!! And my previous boss lady -- she doesn't know it probably, but her management style is wonderful.  I definitely miss her hands-on approach....

They gifted me a super awesome certificate to our local health food store.  I used it the very next day, of course!! And purchased some beauty items that I would not have been able to afford otherwise.  To all of them I say, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

***   ***  ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

1. I am working steadily still, trying to keep myself afloat in the new job chaos.  I often feel like I was thrown overboard without a life jacket BUT I am making it work, doing my thing and I won't give up.

2. I have an appointment this week with the peeps at my #1 choice preschool.  It is more like an "interview" than anything else and I hope (unlike most of my job interviews!) that I give a great first impression.  Violet will be there too, so her cuteness will probably gain her admission regardless.

3. My diet is kind of like everything else in my life.  Not exactly steady but not terrible either.  Some days or weeks even, are better than others.  Lately it has been the weekend that kills me.  I spend a lot of time with a meat lovin', fast food eatin', sweets snackin' person -- so it can get tricky.

4. Exercise is non existent.  Unless walking to my office from my car counts??... I didn't think so.  Hey, its across the street at least.  I still have a Bikram 10-class card from Christmas, so I am "toying" with the thought of starting again but I am not about to spring this into action just yet. 

5. My schedule is nutso.  Big time.  I wake up super darn early, get my cheeks ready as fast as possible.  Then I have to get V-pod ready, take her to the sitter, take myself to work.  Then I work all day and rush to get myself ready at night, for the next day of rushing and working.  The week just flies.  I know I know, Working Mother's Dilemma.  I knew it was coming but I sure miss my girl.  Being at home is WAY BETTER even though the pay stinks and let's face it, it is pretty thankless.  But the benefits are SO MUCH MORE.  Ah well, I thank GOD for the time I was home.

Sunday

Wednesday

You know, this is true.  I am at my desk all day and I nip and pick at my lunch the entire time.  I can't help it.  I do not take a formal lunch break which is so weird.  I have always had jobs that insisted on a designated lunch hour but my new position is pretty different in that respect and in many others as well.  I am given enough responsibility to handle my own breaks, priorities and workload.  It is about time.


I am trying my best right now!  Working my buns off to be good for this museum.  Putting it all out there.  I hope I can do it!  I want to make a difference and be an important part of this great place.  If I could tell my new work colleagues some things, I definitely would....

Dear Work Friends:

1. I pretty much have no idea what I am doing about 90% of the time.  So please help me.
2. The printer, yeah, I don't know anything about that monstrous thing.  You see me pushing buttons and looking really confused.  So please help me.
3. I read that email I sent you like, I don't know, a thousand times.  So please go easy on me if you see any mistakes.
4. I eat pretty much every 10 minutes.  I am sorry about that, I know it might seem gross.  I guess I just really love my food and I am always hungry.
5. I have a scary amount of chocolate in my desk right now.  I know I've only worked here a week but my arsenal is quite impressive.  If you want, you can have some.  I share.
6. I know I am awkward as hell at first but definitely give me a chance!  I warm up before too long.  And I am here for the same reasons you are - besides a paycheck of course - because we love this place and because we want to be a part of it's magic.


Thanks for listening.

Monday

Saturday

The DO LIFE Challenge is coming to an end for me.

Not that I was actually a real participant, as they charged money for that (which seems kind of crazy to me, although they gave out prizes I guess) but now I am officially leaving it behind.  I do not have the time or the energy and I don't want to feel failure about not meeting goals.  Between Violet, her father, my work schedule and a bunch of other stress and junk, I do not have the stamina to keep up. 

BUT it was cool when I followed and I hope that some of those goals will continue now.  Like juicing for instance and maybe reading more.

Making more fresh meals and exercising will continue to be something I have to fight for, now and maybe always.

I took a decent morning walk when I got up today AND I made a veggie stir fry meal for box lunches, so I have done a little challenge work!

Cabbage, carrots, celery and onions on lentils!

I do love a good challenge and I will definitely be in for another one sometime soon.

Friday

WORK!

Yikes, four days on the job and I am pooped already.

But I like my new job, I really really do.

As I drive into the museum location, kind of out in the middle of nowhere, I see the fields and buildings and signs.  The trees and snow covered grounds are so beautiful.  I have a moment, an internal sigh.  It is nice.  I don't feel dread or frustration or reservation anymore.  This is a new place for me and a new feeling about work.

My work load is huge.  And I sit at a desk for almost eight straight hours, trying to untangle all of the duties that I am not quite sure about yet.  Do I know how to use all of the Office applications, NO WAY.  Do I know how to use that monster printing machine and my email properly, NO WAY.  Do I sometimes feel like I have no freakin' clue what is going on, YES!  It is a work in serious progress right now.  I feel like a newborn just seeing the real world for the first time at times, and it is scary. 

Each day I have a rollercoaster of feeling.  I accomplish something and feel on-top-of-the-world!  Then in the next minute, I totally screw up or do not know how to do a simple task - and I feel like a fool.  I hope this is normal and it passes as I become more familiar with my new position.

I put a ton of Violet photographs on my desk and on my bulletin board behind it.  I also have some of her artwork at home and I plan to put some up asap.  My office walls are bare -- I need some color and Violet-style inspiration!

Violet seems to be okay... as far as our new work/sitter/home schedule is concerned.  She has acted up some, but I can't say it is totally related to this new thing or not.  She likes the sitter.  She had one rough morning out of three, crying that she did not want to go there.  She said she wanted to stay with me.  It was hard to bring her that day but the sitter was awesome, distracted her as soon as we arrived.  I left there feeling better and confident that I we would make it just fine.
I still want her to be in a care facility that is more structured.  I want her to be in a learning environment, if she must be away from home.  But right now I am sending her where we can afford and looking elsewhere when I can.

Although she seems to be okay with all of this change, she has grown accustomed to sleeping in Mommy and Daddy's beds, which is NOT A GOOD THING AT ALL.  It makes for restless nights - for me definitely - and very tired mornings.  Not to mention it just seems weird to let happen anymore, she is a big girl now and should be sleeping in her big girl bed.  Habits like these are easy to start and hard to break, but like everything else, we will work on the solution.

I think because we are in such a transitional period, as a family and as people (me, V-spot and her Daddy), we have let things slide a little.  Letting her sleep in our beds, buying extra toys/pets and trying like hell to make sure she is happy and loved.... We have to watch our actions now, as she is darn smart and knows how to take advantage already. 

We have to make sure we do not allow or set-up this potential for bad behavior and brattiness right now because that will come back to bite us, big time!