Lately I've been feeling a little old.
Mostly I've never really cared about my age. It doesn't bother me since I can't help aging (as the alternative is death!) and I really don't mind getting older, generally speaking. It is normal and natural.
Yes wrinkles, dry skin, grey hairs and some "sag" have crept in, I won't sugarcoat. But really, I am happy to be in my thirties now and although my youth is fading, I am okay with it all for the most part.
What does bother me about my age though are the following thoughts:
1. I wonder, am I "accomplished" enough? I mean, being a younger looking, sprightly 33-year-old is fine. BUT have I really done anything in all of these years? Am I where I should be?
Someone asked me recently what my "plan" was for the future and I was all like, what plan? To work and sleep and eat. That is my plan, man! Maybe I have kind of lost sight of my goals and dreams lately, trying to make money and be on my own. Maybe I have forgotten that I still need to grow personally and professionally.
2. Do I look like I should at this age? There are ladies at my work, my age, that wear tailored outfits, matched with very conservative looking shoes. They have matchy scarves and suit coats and nice hair. They look like they have it together, like real professionals.
I am pretty disheveled (but I thought in a cute way, c'mon) and my hair is never perfectly groomed.
People are ALWAYS shocked at my age. A colleague asked me just this morning and gasped when I told her. She said, "I thought you were 25!!" I wasn't sure if this is good or bad. Good because I look young I guess, but bad because I act it?
3. I am now The 30-Something Single Mother. This is NOT where I thought I would be. I have lost sight of what I want or need relationship-wise. Marriage? No way, been there and I am not cut-out for it (at least not yet). Boyfriends? I don't think so, I can't keep my shit together. Friends? Yes perhaps, but who the hell wants to be friends with me? People want things... like sex. This is not going to happen. I guess I just feel really lost when it comes to these things and also, I feel really undesirable. I have baggage. Issues. So many issues.
I don't know where I am going with these thoughts. Just venting I guess.
I've kind of always felt like I should dress more conservative (boring?) or have a true hairstyle. Or go back to school and become more defined professionally. Aren't I supposed to married, in a house, being a good wife, having more babies... am I a failure? I like to think not! I just have a different course in life than what I had imagined.
Actually, I guess that answers my doubts here: I am me, all 33-years of me, and maybe I am not as accomplished or polished or whatever, as I might think I should be. But I still feel pretty good about myself as I am, right now.