Kamis, 25 Oktober 2012

Life is what you make it- Weigh-In

I went to the doctors a couple days ago, to get my remicade infusion.
I was dreading stepping onto the scale, even more then I was dreading getting hooked up to the IV for 3 hours. For some reason I always suck it in when I step on the scale at the doctors... like that's going to help.

Before I left for vaca, I weighed in at 196, which put me at 5 pounds down since August. When we returned, I weighed in at 197.8. I figured gaining 1.8 pounds wasn't too shabby for being on a week long vacation.

After that little weigh in, I didn't step on the scale for a while, as I knew I wasn't doing so good with my post vacation diet. 

As I stepped onto the scale at the doctors, my first reaction was to look down, so I didn't have to see where I was at with my weight. But then I heard a voice in my head yelling at me to look. I realized right then, what I needed to do. Frankly- I needed to get my crap together, and stop being in denial. I needed to be accountable. I needed to get out of la la land, and face this reality check head on. With an annoyed sigh, I looked up and saw 202. And then I gave a nervous chuckle. The nurse thinks I'm weird.

Sure, I was mad at myself for a brief moment, but it was actually a really good experience for me. This is my journey, and I'm finally becoming grateful for the ups, and the downs along the way.
They make me who I am. They make me stronger, and wiser. My struggles are shaping me into the person I want to become. And that makes me grateful for them. I may have made mistakes yesterday, or have yet to make mistakes tomorrow, but if I let them, those mistakes can help me get to my goal just as much as a salad can. I'd rather let seeing 202lbs on the scale light a fire in me, versus beat myself up about it for the next week. Regret doesn't make you lose weight any more then a cupcake does.

I've realized that I need more accountability, so I'm bringing back the weigh-ins! They will be every Friday. My goal is to be back in the 100's by my next weigh-in.

 I'm on my way.


What day is it?  Oh right, it's Thursday.  All of my days and nights run together like so many weird daydreams and half memories.  It becomes tricky to know whether I am coming or going at times.

But it's all good if I can pay my own bills and buy my own coffee.

Speaking of coffee, I have been eating like complete SHIT.  My body is like, What the f*ck, are you seriously going to make me stay up all day and night AND eat that shitty food/drink too?  And to that I answer (myself?), Yes. Yes I am.

I mean, I don't want to eat fast food drinks or expensive coffee but in the last minute nature of every meal of my day, it happens.  I scramble to find time and energy.  I take the easiest way out.

I wake up at odd hours and need something to get me going.  I get to work and need something else to help me get through.  Then I am starving for dinner and I end up eating something horribly wrong.  Then, I need energy for the next work shift in the evening.

As I enter into this new, more hurried schedule of life, I realize that something has to give.  That something will be my health, eventually.  Bad food, no sleep and stress will all work to get me, I know this.  SO.  I need to figure out if it is possible to eat better.  It seems such a daunting task I had all but written if off as something that could not be tended to yet.

I actually wonder if taking care of my body better will even make a difference given the lack of sleep.  I might feel like crap regardless of how green my diet, as sleep/diet/exercise are all equally important factors of good health.  Even if it doesn't work or I can't keep it up, I believe I still need to try and do better.

Selasa, 23 Oktober 2012


Lately I have been following John Kim's emails and blog like crazy.  It feels like every thing he posts means something to me. 

The other day I was feeling really shitty and just like magic, inside my inbox I found the following "fortune" from him: You. Deserve. Better.

It helped.

He has inspired me to rethink, retrain my negative thought patterns and try to live more joyously.  A particular post recently got me thinking about my little blisses.... he calls it "Nectar", those quiet things that make us happy, make us feel like ourselves, make us thankful.  Here is a small list of my own recent nectar:

1. When Violet arrives in the morning and crawls into my bed with me.  Her body is so warm and wiggly.  I rub her tummy, give her tickles and watch her squirm from my tease.  She is so perfectly her.

2. Good, loud music on the way to work.  Particularly loud lately due to it's wakening effect on my tired mind.  I've been slightly obsessed with Franz Ferdinand for some reason this past week.  I rock out every morning and every afternoon on my way.

3. The heater in my office.  Yeah it isn't the most exciting thing in the universe but it keeps me so toasty and comfortable on these chilly mornings.  I feel blessed to come in from the cold and be warmed instantly.

4. Meeting new people.  And feeling like finally, in this more mature age of mine, I am totally myself and I don't care if I am liked or not!  Because I am just ME and that is all I can do.


An Update:

1. Continuing to work two jobs.  A regular day time, 40 hour shift AND a part time, night'er too.

Ironically, my day job is full time until the end of the year.  I had been so confident that it would turn part time at the end of this month, that I hurried to find a supplement.  Go figure.

I work in the belly of an academic library, closed off from the real world and safe in my little space. Students work quietly on their laptops and I walk the silent rows of journals, making sure all is well. I like it. I like the people I work with and the calm nature of the library environment.

There is something addicting about working at this part time gig though, and I am hard pressed to identify what it is.  I thought I couldn't do it, that I would want to quit right away given the impossiblity of living on so little sleep AND the harsh reality of not having Violet sleep at my place anymore. 

It is so weird because I am basically half asleep when I am there, the night turning into morning through my shift but I find myself wanting to go there each evening.  I get so little sleep now that when I do find time for a solid eight hours, I cannot ease my body+mind into relaxation.  I am always awake.  I will tell ya though, being in a half wake/half sleep state so often leads to a complete "I don't give a f*ck" state of being, as in, I just roll with the punches instead of freaking out.  I like this very  much.  I am sick of being on edge all the time.  I am ready to just be.  And yeah, maybe it won't last long given that I won't be able to handle it forever, but for now, I like this change in state.

2. Given my new schedule, I have been feeling a lot better about myself in general.  Before this I was thinking too much.  Worrying.  Feeling too confused.  I wasn't sleeping well.  Eating poorly and not exercising. 

I don't know what I need to feel good in the grand scheme but I do know that right now, in this present moment in my life, this crazy work schedule is just what I need.  My focus is taken away from my "struggles" and positioned into the here and now.  I am trying like hell to pull from my heart, my authentic self, to be the best and feel the best that I can.

3. Naturally I miss Violet right now.  I drop her off at school (which has been going much better lately now that she has taken a liking to a couple of little friends) and go on with my day.  I sort of push my sadness back, when it creeps in, when I start to think about all of the hours that will pass between our being together.  I don't want to be sad.  I don't want to feel like I am not doing the right thing or that I am missing out our time together.  I choose to do this single mother thing (even though it sucks), the sacrifice of full time work is necessary right now.... so I want to cherish the time we get.


Selasa, 16 Oktober 2012

Scenes From Today

I've been going through a little bit of vacation detox. 
I was doing so well before vacation, and I was pretty happy with my choices on vacation. For some reason when I got home, I felt like I needed a vacation from my good choices on vacation. I don't understand it either ;)

Today was an absolute beautiful fall day. Deer were everywhere this morning. Frontyard, backyard, in the street... It looked like they were having a little block party or something. There's bright red, orange and yellow trees everywhere you look, and the fall air is crisper then ever.
 As I was greeted by this beautiful day, I decided this day deserved healthy choices. I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch on the patio, and stayed on track all day.
It was a :Deliciously Healthy, 
fall day.


Pumpkin Carving!


Kamis, 11 Oktober 2012


We all remember Ed Norton's nameless every man character in Fight Club... how he peddled through his days in a sleep-deprived fog.  How his sleeplessness lead to the split in his mind and the breakdown in his life.

I have been working two jobs and although I am less than a week into my new sixty hour work schedule, I am feeling very much like a zombie.

My full time job becomes half time at the end of the month so I scrambled to find a part time gig that would not interfere with the original job.  I thought it would be a smart idea to work both for a while and make some extra money (for savings, Violet's Christmas, yoga dough or heating expenses this winter).  I even thought that it could be possible to leave the day job and just keep the night'er so that I could bring+retrieve Violet from school every day or place her in half-day kindergarten.

But working two jobs is NOT COOL.  There is no opportunity for eight hours of sleep, making my own meals or spending quality time with Violet.  I was a mess to begin with, let's be honest.  I don't know how I will keep myself straight.

I am not about to start a fight club for ladies but damn, I hope I don't lose my shit. 

Sleep deprivation is serious. 

Last night when I was at work (when the rest of the world had been asleep for three hours already), I actually had this experience where my coworker was talking and I saw her mouth moving, but I was unable to register her words.  It was kind of surreal.  Then later, I was explaining something to a student and I stopped dead in my schpeel because I seriously forgot what I was even saying.  It was GONE.  My brain had literally stopped itself mid-thought and rebooted.

I used to be a serial napper.  I loved napping more than I can say.  When I am bored or lonely or sad or just for the heck of it, I sleep.  It is my pasttime.  My hobby if you will.  How will I manage without my precious zzzzz's?

Lord help me.

Senin, 08 Oktober 2012


A friend of mine knows that my head is always in clouds, so for my birthday, she got me a notebook that "I could write all my dreams down in". As soon as I took it out of the box, I immediately sat down to write out my official bucket list. Going to NYC in the fall, is one of the many activities that made it onto the 3 page list. For our anniversary, my prince charming of a husband crossed it off my list, as he's done with so many of my bucket list items.
Our hotel. We had an amazing view of Central Park.
2hr boat ride around the island
9/11 Memorial
If it looks like we ordered 6 milk shakes, it's because we did.
Dinner at an amazing restaurant with beautiful views of the city, and walking to the Empire State Building.
horse carriage ride through Central Park.
 It was everything I dreamed it would be.

Now time for the gym.

What's on your bucket list?


Beauteous scenes from my work place:

All taken this morning as I opened the Village.
It is so calm and peaceful here in the morning when I am alone.  It is my favorite part of the day (that and quittin' time).
And the little camera on my failing Blackberry still takes some pretty darn good outside pics!


Minggu, 07 Oktober 2012


I love and miss my beautiful girl.

I've been working like crazy and haven't had a lot of moments for blog reflection.

I've basically been surviving each week day the best I can and hoping for quality down time with Violet.

She is great, been having good days together when we can.  I just miss her so much!  Sometimes I wish I had another one of her so I could get more time.... Ok, no I don't.  Bad idea.  But yes, I do miss her ever so much.  Work is so overrated.