My Lovely Violet

 

 

 

 

Monday

I took a few minutes to go outside my office today and breath-in some of the fresh winter air.

It is nearly 50 degrees here and it is mid January! 

Crazy New England weather. 

I will take it though as the colder days are on their way.

Right outside my window!  A contrast of shadows and light.

Only a small amount of snow remains... for now.

On a normal day I make every effort not to go outside because it is so frosty cold here, but with the warm temps and sunshine, I couldn't resist a quick peek.  It is usually a good ten degrees colder on the hill at my work than at home (which is only 45 minutes south).

This temporary warm-up in weather makes me think of being outside, which naturally makes me think of wanting to spend time feeling healthy.  I think of the beach and walking the park trails and taking up running (a goal of mine) and long walks on warm nights.

Right now I am working on a mental/logistical plan to start moving and eating better.  I've lacked motivation because I feel so unsettled in other matters of my life.  But here is the thing, I hate being one of the "tomorrow" people.  The kind that keep saying "I will do it starting tomorrow" because really, tomorrow comes and goes, I still have problems and I still feel unhealthy.

My life is a jumble of transitions and works in progress, yes, but I don't want to keep making excuses because of it.  I have been this way for years and maybe THIS IS MY LIFE, not just a phase or matter of time.  My excuses feel like a lie, like failure and I'm saddened by my lack of action.  It is so easy for me to take care of myself because my personal health is something I can actually control when so many other things I cannot.

I have a ton of resources and information to help guide me into a successful diet/exercise routine.  I've been here before and done my homework.

Lately, I've been looking into social websites to help as well.  My most favorite, that I've used before, being Social Workout.  I like it because it lists all of these fantastic goals (fitness for mind AND body) and also, features group goals.  The other members on SW are very supportive and I like the attention.

I've found other sites too, like Nike+ or Runkeeper (if I ever start running damn it) and Myfitnesspal and although I haven't joined them yet, they are prospects for sure.  I like the idea of tracking and being accountable and using my iphone to help me too.  I would like to find an app on my phone that is pleasant, easy to use, coincides seamlessly with my blog/websites and is very helpful.  I guess that I will play around with each one and see what works for me.

I am going to create my goals on the SW site soon and will post them here too.
I am confident that a change in health will reach into all the other areas in my life in a positive way.  I think one of the most important steps of any health change is in the planning (meal+routine), so that I have something to refer to and help guide me when the going gets tough (and it will no doubt).  I am well on my way!
 

Monday

My weekend with Miss Violet:

Violet and the two kitties.

 

Violet and Owen.

 

Violet and Grammy A, yesterday at the arcade.

 

An update:

Right now I am scrambling to find another part time job that is not overnight, offers decent pay and is not public service desk oriented.

I feel like I have been looking for work forever.  And when I look back at my resume/cover letter drafts they are dated over consecutive years for almost a decade now.

It would be super nice to just be happy and comfortable in a job situation for a good duration of time.  Sometimes I think I need to do graduate studies to be more profitable.  I worry that I will never get ahead without some kind of advanced degree.  But then I realize how time consuming that would be and how I already owe so much in student loans.  It can really be an overwhelming mental loop and I tend to shut down when I try to process too much at once.

I really just want to make enough money to live a good life with my girl.  I want a living space that offers her a room of her own.  I want to take care of my cats.  And I want to go to yoga school too.  All of these things are difficult right now.

Luckily I have some monetary resources in my family and loved ones.  Without them I would be so screwed.
 

Friday

So as it turns out, I had to leave one of my jobs this week.

It killed me.  Totally killed me.  I loved this job so much.  And I don't really love jobs, ever.  I thought I wouldn't mind leaving it though, in theory.  The shift being in the middle of the night and me being dead tired/not seeing Violet/never sleeping/not having a life.

I liked being there though.  I liked working late at night on my own and being part of that community.  I liked making the extra money that supported me and Violet.

Now I am totally f*cked for money.

So bad.  Soooooo bad.

But it will allow me to have equal custody of my girl if it comes to such matters.

And really, that is ALL that matters to me.

Monday

I took Miss Violet to her most favorite children's play area/inside gym yesterday, appropriately named Krazy Kids!

Here she is in all her cuteness:

 

 

 

 

 

 

My 2012

Adrianna.  Library endings.  Child care.  New job.  New commute.  New bills.  Independence. My own office.  40-hour work weeks.  No health insurance.  Studio apartment.  Missing Violet.  Taking care of my car, myself.  Nights alone.  Nights with Violet.  Missing my cat.  Black Keys with my sisters.  Buying my own food.  Making my own food.  So much green juice.  Working all summer.  Beach days with her.  Old loves.  New loves.  Passion.  Open heart always.  Crazy relatives.  My Sisters.  Happiness.  Joy.  Pain.  Shame.  Embarrassment.  Forgiveness.  Need for privacy.  Saying goodbye so many times.  Weight up.  Weight down.  Death of a blender.  Moldy apartment.  Smelly apartment.  Entrapment.  Messiness.  Laziness.  No yoga. 

Two jobs.  Three hours of sleep.  No time.  Only one night with her.  Loneliness.  Heartache.  Regret.  Persistence.  Brain fog at 2am.  Coffee.  Candy.  Sugar!  Bad food.  Good food.  Fast food.  Movie nights.  New music.  Loud music.  Can no longer hold my drink.  Indecision.  Broke.  Tired.  Poor.  Work woes.  Underpaid.  Overworked.  Missteps.  Mistakes.  Craziness.  Stride. 

Levi.  Money for Christmas.  Pushing through.  Adventures in motherhood.  Violet grows.  Violet learns.  Violet is so awesome.  Feeling good.  Feeling bad.  Desperation.  Uncertainty.  No cats to two cats.  Owen kitty is sick.  More work.  Opportunities.  Changes.  Doing it all for us.  Dreaming.  Hoping.  2013.


The idea for this post was adapted from something written by John Kim on his blog.  Visit HERE.

Holidays 2012!

Here are some pictures of my 2012 holiday season:

A visit to see Baby A!



And Baby L was there too.

It is hard to see here but this house near mine was CRAZY decorated!

The Christmas Tree made of books at our local library.  I love it.

Violet's Christmas gift from my Mom: Chloe Kitty.

She really loves Violet. 

My cat Owen FINALLY came home to live with me.

The three of us: notice Chloe behind me!

Violet's "big gift" from me this year: her big girl dollhouse.

I made these magnets for her.  They feature her favorite characters.

I made a Violet-Magnet too.  It is my personal favorite.

My big brother and his granddaughter Kira. 

Christmas Eve: playing with toys from Grampy+Grammy before bed.

Christmas Morning: waiting with Levi for Grammy to wake up.

I snapped a moving shot of her opening her most favorite gift.

Post present opening: wearing a cute new dress and blue sparkle shoes.

SO cute!!

K, Levi and S.  Photo by J.

At home after Christmas: playing with Play Doh from Auntie J.

Yup it finally snowed here! And it was a good one too.  We made a Snow Kitty!

New Year's Eve party at the library. 

Bubbles on her fingers! Dontcha just love her Hello Kitty headband?!

She decorated and then put a wish inside this paper bag.

Oh Hello!  This is me saying goodbye to 2012 and hello to 2013!

I was totally dreading the holidays this year.

When you are in a single parent situation it can be a really rough time of year. Negotiating time with my girl was really really bad. It was so bad that at times I just wanted to sleep the Christmas holiday away. I believe the stress, loneliness and exaggerated expectations of the holidays put a lot of folks in a state, including myself. I knew well in advance that it would be difficult for me, so I planned things for Violet in anticipation of this. I purchased many thoughtful and unique gifts months ahead. AND I was actually able to spend Christmas Eve with her after much uncertainty! We woke up together that morning. THAT was the best part of my Christmas, hands down.

Time with my family (sisters + mom) made it feel much better too. I wholeheartedly thank my Mom this year for really helping me through the bad parts.