Tuesday

Been dealin' with some CRAZY in my life today but thankfully, this time it ain't me!  (For once).
Gotta take a step back when the crazy bus comes crashing through.  It can get pretty darn ugly.

I want to be able to take bad people's energy and turn it into something good, something better.  It is the best I can do.  That doesn't always happen.  We all encounter unsavory individuals sometimes.  I want to help them, not hurt them.  It is a life's work I think, much like my health.

I know I bring drama onto myself sometimes and for that, well, I only have myself to blame.  When you wallow or waddle as the case may be, with the pigs, you tend to get a little dirty.  But enough about that, I move forward.  Yay!


Lately I have noticed that my diet has given me some wonderful gifts:

1. I have released some pretty significant weight.  I feel as though this is a healthy "perk" of eating so well.  It is understood, if you eat good food (not junk) and treat your body with some respect, you won't be overweight.  Period.  It isn't that hard of a concept even though I struggle with the control part still.

2. My skin is very happy.  Even glowing.  My hair is so happy too.

3. My energy is getting much better, although exercise will help even more.  The other day I was frustrated with Violet and I said, "Violet please just be a good girl, Momma is tired."  She said in return, "But Mommy, you are ALWAYS tired."  Which made me feel a little guilty since I am trying to keep up with her best I can.  I definitely need to rev up my movement so all the pieces fit together better.

4. I feel really connected to my life and my basic routine.  I work for myself, for my health and for my time.  Everything feels more united now.  I work, cook, love Violet, pay my own bills and live my own life.  There is a certain amount of satisfaction when I am self sufficient.  I make things happen for myself.  I make things happen for Violet.  I feel like I have a purpose: to live a healthy life.  There continues to be relationship bull mostly due to emotional chaos or outside beasts, but mainly, I feel as though that is secondary to how I live now. 

5. I have come to so many realizations lately and I am sure my diet has something to do with my clarity:

I have this really cool job.  Basically the job I went to college for.  I manage an interpretive staff every day, I schedule tours from around the globe, I plan + facilitate workshops and I am responsible for over 20 historical buildings!  I have a REAL f*cking job.  Finally!  It is what I wanted.  I can't believe it sometimes.

BUT

The only thing I want to do now is raise my girl.  The only way I want to spend my time is watching her learn and grow.  THAT means more to me than anything else.  I can't believe I thought I was one of those Mom's that would make work as important (if not more) as staying at home.  I am NOT that person and I will never be, no matter what my awesome job entails.  I wanted to stay home with her from the moment she was born and I assumed that when she was older, I would WANT to go to work.  I struggled with not using my degree and being at home for so long too.  WHAT A FOOL I WAS!  Nothing compares to being home with my girl, nothing. 

SO NOW

I don't know what I should do or how I can do it, even if I figure it out.  Ha!  As usual.  But I do *know* this:  I want to be there for her when she is out of school each day.  I want to plan my work arrangements around her schedule so that I am there when she needs me.  My goal is to have her attend part time days.  I don't have any money, I live on my own and I don't know how to afford this kind of schedule.  BUT it is the most important thing in my life and I am determined to make it happen.

No one can take my pain that is associated with leaving Violet and understand it completely.  That is impossible.  So when I describe how my heart is broken day-after-day (for over six months now) as she begs me not to make her go to school.  Not to leave her.  To stay with her.  To not leave her there.... I can say with much assurance that I cannot take it anymore.  Maybe some kids get used to it, to child care away from home.  Maybe some Mom's with tougher hearts and more will, can get used to it.  For me though, I can never get used to my crying, pleading beauty begging for me every day.  It is something that over time has changed the way I think and feel about Motherhood. 

I know in my heart that I have to make changes in order to feel better about my life with her.

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Last night I cooked up a storm!  Monday evenings are now my "Kitchen Night" because they are Violet-free and the perfect opportunity to create meals for the week.  I actually look forward to them -not the Violet-less part though - but the part where I get to make yummy recipes without distraction.  I truly feel creative and blissful at these times. 

Sarahfae at Addicted to Veggies is a genius!  I recreated her Nut-Free Tart Crust last night and it smelled SO good right from the start.  I honestly was not excited about the recipe at all when I first read it.  I love nuts, all nuts, so I couldn't imagine risking flavor for an alternative recipe at that point.  But now I am so glad I gave them a chance. 

Dry + wet ingredients ready for mixin'.

I shaped my tarts and dried them into perfection.

I marinated some mushrooms, green onion, yellow bell pepper (I found at a local farm stand) and cherry tomatoes to later top my tart.  I then dried them overnight into crispy little yummies.

Green onions ready to marinate.

Tomatoes and Mushrooms!

I also whipped-up some more of my own corn salad. 

This time I added pico de gallo because I love the stuff and also, some juice from these baby limes I found in the exotic section at the grocery store.  They are super cute little limes and they are so very very sweet.   I not only used them in my corn salad, I also used them in the thai coconut/pineapple smoothie I made for breakfast this morning.  Another classic recipe straight out of Raw Food/Real World.  It is no wonder I love these salads and smoothies though, they are sweetened!  I can't get enough of my sweets, that's for sure.  Even the healthy kind. 


I actually had to STOP myself big time this weekend.  I ate far too many Larabars and peanut butter.  I am on a Larabar and peanut butter vacation right now, a very serious one.  I let little diet splurges like that sneak up on me and then bam, I am back to eating crap in no time.  I know it sounds crazy (Violet's Daddy has said time and again that I shouldn't have to be so strict) but I *need* to eat well according to my plan, in my own way.  Maybe it isn't right for other people, but for me, this is they way I want to be.  It is right for me.