Tuesday

Last night I was speaking with my Mom about the trouble I've been experiencing for months in regard to Violet's schooling.  I told her how much Violet does not like to go to school.  I expressed my sadness.  I described the begging, tears, the emotional torture of it all, the way we both feel about it.


My Mom simply agreed that it is indeed a tough situation. 

And that was that.  The conversation went in a new direction.

I think most folks, related or not, would probably react the same.  Not because they don't care about us or about me.  And not because they should react in any other way.  To the outside world, this situation is normal.  It has happened before and will happen again.  Some little kids don't like school.  Such is life.

That is fine.  But for me, right now, in this little life of mine, I find that the situation is not okay with me.  I am done crying, feeling like shit day-after-day and hoping for some kind of change or resolution.  I don't want to deal anymore.  Maybe it frames me as weak or emotional.  So be it.  No one has to live my life but me.

Maybe things will turn around for Violet and I.  Maybe she will suddenly and miraculously like school.  I highly doubt it but you never know.  I DO know though, that I am not going to put myself through this turmoil anymore in *hopes* of change.

I am trying to do something about it, every single day that I can.  I won't stop until something changes.  And man, do I worry that another change in our life will be as disastrous as the last.  It doesn't matter, I have to keep trying because I really believe one of these days I have to get it right.

I have but barely a clue about what I want to do with my life and what is right or wrong for me BUT this is one thing that I am sure of... I do not want this work/Violet school routine any more.  I am SO beyond done, I was done months ago.

I have found that I can take care of myself now.  It isn't all that fun really, being broke ass poor and stressed out all the time.  But it can be done.  The only time I feel particularly proud is when I buy nominal junk that someone might otherwise give me hard time about: like buying expensive coffee.  I think to myself upon purchase, "Ha! Yes I just bought that overpriced coffee drink all by myself and no one can do a damn thing about it.  I rule!"  Paying my utility bills and such gives me no such feelings though.  Now that I know I can actually pay for myself to live, I feel pretty confident that I can do many things, including find a more suitable work/school arrangement for me and my girl.


Photo above: Clouds by Georgia O'Keefe