My 29 pound reality check- Starting over

Last March I decided that weighing myself was doing more harm then good. Only losing 1 pound (or less) a week, sent me straight to a carton of ice cream. I had decided that I simply needed to live my healthy lifestyle, and not obsess about how slow the scale was moving. Stepping off the scale really worked. For a while. It worked when I was staying on track. I knew I was losing weight, but I was protecting myself from getting discouraged about how long it was taking. However, it didn't work when I was eating donuts and ice cream. At that point it turned into a way for me to be in denial that the junk I was eating was making me fat. That denial is exactly what's been going on for the past couple months.

Last week, I had a doctors appointment. I normally look away when they're weighing me, but I decided it was time to get out of denial, and get back in touch with reality.

In the back of my mind, I figured I had probably gained 10, maybe even 20 pounds. But what I saw on the scale that day at the doctors office, was that I had gained 29 pounds. I am now 190. The lowest I had gotten down to on this weight loss journey was 161.

For the past week I've been trying to decide where to go from here.

Here's how I see it:
I can either cry about it. Curl up into a ball and eat a cheeseburger, and be back up to 206+ pounds in no time. Or, I can pick myself up, and get back on the horse. I can stop thinking about yesterdays mistakes, and focus on the future... The future where I only have one chin, and no muffin top.

I choose the latter of the two. In the grand scheme of things, it's just 29 pounds. It's not like I went and gained all my weight back. Or more. I'm making a promise to myself that I will never see 206 on the scale ever again. And I am taking the appropriate steps to keeping that promise. Even though it would be easier to just throw in the towel, and fully embrace my old eating habits.

To help whip my butt back into shape, I'm doing something a little different. I'm going on
The 17 Day Diet. I've heard lots of success stories on other weight loss blogs, and I'm really excited to try it. It's 3 cycles of 17 days (51 days total), and then I will be back to my :Deliciously Healthy way of losing weight from there.

Tomorrow is day 1. I'm going to blog each and every day, while on the 17 day diet. This blog helped me to lose weight in the beginning. I've always said that I wouldn't have been able to lose the weight I had lost without my blog, and my readers. The support and accountability that comes from my blog, are more valuable to me then any weight loss plan, magic pill, or infomercial selling some exercise thingy-ma-bob. When I stopped doing weekly weigh-ins, I lost some of that accountability. So, I'm bring them back! Tuesdays are my weigh in days.

This is my "starting" picture.
190lbs:
Tomorrow is day 1 of getting my sexy back. I kinda can't wait :)

My Christmas Gift

Every year, on Christmas morning, my husband and I take pictures of each other tearing open our gifts. He insists on taking a picture of each and every Christmas present. When the presents have been opened, and all the "Oohs" and "Ahhs" have been said, I sit on the couch, and review all the pictures. And that is when I ruin my Christmas. One picture after another, I see a fat roll I didn't know I had, or a double chin I didn't realize was so big.
(Here I am on Christmas morning in 2008, trying on a jacket my husband got for me that didn't fit. Even though it was an extra large.)The rest of Christmas day would be spent with tears in my eyes. I'd be filled with regret, disgust, and hopelessness. Every year I would make a promise to myself, that next years Christmas morning photos would be double chin and fat roll free. And with that, I would never look at that years Christmas pictures again. I would pretend they never existed. I would pretend that the whole Christmas morning, at 200+ pounds never existed. I would simply look forward to next year. But guess what? Next year would be exactly the same.

Except for this year....

I spent most of my Christmas Eve this year, worrying about the Christmas morning pictures that would be taken. I had absolutely convinced myself that I was 206 pounds again. I had convinced myself that each and every picture would be included with fat rolls and double chins. On Christmas Eve, I tried bracing myself for the pain that I would feel, when I sat down in the morning to review the pictures. Christmas morning came, we went down stairs, tore into our gifts...and out comes the camera. And of course, my husband insisted on taking a picture of each and every present like he does every year. Afterwords, I sat on the couch as usual, to review the pictures. I braced myself to see something horrible. Instead, I saw something absolutely wonderful. I might even say, Beautiful.No double chins.

This was the first Christmas in 5 years, that I didn't cry when I saw our pictures. This is the fist year that I didn't spend the rest of the day in a depressed funk because of my weight. Instead, I spent the day feeling blessed and grateful for all the blessing I have in my life. I spent the day thinking about how far I've come, and how proud I was of myself. This year I didn't erase a single picture of myself. I didn't try and erase the entire Christmas morning from my mind. Instead, I played it over and over again.

I have lost 45 pounds this year.
That is one totally awesome gift!

My 40 Pound Milestone

As of this morning,
I have lost 40 pounds!

Moi at 206 (2009):Moi at 186 (March 2010):Moi Today, at 166! :
I have lost 40 pounds!
Me.
The girl that used to eat fast food for breakfast lunch and dinner, and who thought she couldn't cook, let alone cook a healthy meal.
The girl with PCOS, Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Low Thyroid.
The girl who had the cards stacked against her.
And the girl who had never exercised, and thought she would never be able to.

Yes, that girl.

I did it!

I did it with moderate exercise, starting a weight loss blog, and by
eating Deliciously Healthy. I broke up with my old, abusive relationship with food, and I started a new one. Now, I don't just get joy through eating food, I get joy through preparing it, experimenting with it, taking pictures of it, sharing it, and of course by enjoying each and every Deliciously Healthy bite!

By eating Deliciously Healthy, I have become
:Deliciously Healthy.
40 pounds ago, I only had a period once or twice a year, due to my PCOS. Since eating Deliciously Healthy, and being on this weight loss journey, I've had 7 periods out of 9.
All. On. My. Own.
40 pounds ago I couldn't walk long distances, or be very active because of the RA in my knees. Now, I can go on long walks, and practically run up the stairs! I can climb mountains, and enjoy this beautiful life of mine, with less pain.

I am 40 pounds lighter.
:Deliciously Healthy.
And very, very proud of myself!

I love myself inside and out!
And that is a beautiful feeling.
Thank you so much for all your support along the way!
I know I could not have come this far without this blog, and all of you!I heart you.

I'm almost half way there!

Deadlines and I, Don't get Along!

I knew I was thinking about something that was stressing me out, but I didn't know what it was. I sat down and really thought about what was on my mind. Suddenly, I got a flash of
Moose Creek.
Confused?

Every 5 years we have a family reunion. My Great Grandparent's children, and their families (on my Father's side), meet up and camp out near the ranch my Great Grandparents used to own (Moose Creek). I love going there, and I look forward to it every time!
I'm excited to see all my family (even the ones I don't really know), but I'm really excited to have my immediate family all together in one place (there's 8 of us kids, so it's rare that we're all together at the same time).

So why am I stressed out?
It's another deadline.

If you remember, the last time I had a deadline (my hubbies graduation), I sabotaged myself.

My family saw me at 120, before I got married. The next time they saw me, I was 180. And the last time they saw me in April of 2009, I was over 200 pounds:It felt horrible seeing my family, after gaining so much weight. I felt like instead of being excited to see me, and giving me a hug, they were more like, "Whoa! What. The. Heck. Happened to you?!" And that was totally understandable. I had changed dramatically. But the thought of it, still hurt.

I would of course try to lose weight, every time I was going to see my family. It would start out like this:
"Okay, I have 4 months. I can lose 40 pounds before I see them!"
I wouldn't go on a diet. It would turn into this:
"Okay, now I have 2 months. It's better then nothing. I could lose 20 maybe even 30 pounds before we leave!"
Again, I didn't go on a diet. My goals would get more and more unrealistic:
"Sigh. Alright, I have 1 month before we go. Maybe I can still lose 20 pounds?!"
Still not on a diet. It's time to take drastic measures:
"I have two weeks! I'm going to go on some crazy diet! I'm desperate! Hmm, maybe a cleansing diet! Okay, I'm not going to eat anything for 2 weeks, and I'm only going to drink lemonade!" (There's actually a diet like that!)
That would last for like, 2 hours, and I'd say this:
"I give up. I'm going fat. Hope they still love me!"

Before, every time I went on a diet, it was to meet a deadline.
This time was different. I didn't go on a diet because I was afraid of what people would think of me. I went on a diet because I wanted to be healthy. I went on a diet because I wanted to get pregnant, and have a baby. I went on a diet for me! There was no deadline in sight, and what do you know, I was finally successful! I lost weight, at a slow and steady pace, without a deadline stressing me out.

So when a "deadline" comes up, my old way of think comes out:
"Okay, I have 2 months! I can lose 20 pounds! I have to lose 20 pounds!"
My old way of thinking always led to failure. Therefore, I'm determined to fail. It's what I'm used to. I start to believe whole heartily that I can't do it!

This is the point I sabotage myself.
"I cant do it! I can't do it! I can't do it! Where's a donut?!!"
Can't beat em', join em'.

But this time is different.
I've already lost 35 pounds!
Even if I don't lose any more weight from here, I've already been more successful then I've ever been. I'm the thinnest my family has seen me since I got married! I would have killed to be 35 pounds lighter, the last time I saw my family!
(A pic from my last little photo shoot)
My solution to the deadline thing: Don't make it a deadline!
Continue what I'm doing. No pressure. Don't even think about it. If I only lose 5 pounds between now, and when we leave (2 months), then I will have lost 40 pounds! And that's awesome! Of course I want to lose more then 5 pounds in 2mo, but I'm just saying.
I know I can do this, because I am doing this!

How do you deal with deadlines? Do they help you, or harm you?

***

Yesterday's (although it's going to be like 1am by the time I post this, so it's not quite yesterday;) weigh in results had me at 172, for a 1 pound loss.

I'm frustrated with myself. I was really wanting to see 170 this week.
About half way through the week, was when I subconsciously started sabotaging myself.
Fortunately I took the time to figure it out, and hopefully everything will be better from here!

Today was a Good Day

Today, something seemed to be in the air. Spring?... Whatever it is, it has me in a joyful mood!

Today, I had the perfect lunch, and I just had to share it with you!

While my father-in-law was here, he went on and on about how good a grape and tuna fish sandwich was! As Joe and I gave him funny looks, he would say, "Don't diss it, before you try it!" He had actually bought all the stuff to make it, but we never got around to it. So, today as I was raiding the fridge and pantry, trying to find something for lunch that hit the spot, I couldn't get my father-in-law's voice out of my head.

"What the heck Brittany. You only live once." I told myself.

So, out came the whole wheat bread, the canned tuna (in water), the low-fat mayo (gross. If I had low-fat plain yogurt I would have used that. I just used a tiny tiny bit), the already chopped onion I had left over from tacos, and the grapes.

I chopped up the grapes, mixed everything together, and put together my sandwich. I gave myself an extra side of grapes, then let out a sigh, "Here goes nothing." I took a bite.
"Oh my gosh! This is so good!" Light bulb moment: "This is blog worthy!"
I rushed to grab the camera, took a couple pics, and sat down to enjoy my YUMMY
Grape and Tuna Fish Sandwich!!"Don't diss it, before you try it!" ;D
Seriously. It's pretty darn good folks. The grapes add the perfect sweetness!
Calories:
About 220, not including the extra side of grapes.


After lunch, and some cleaning around the house, I finally sat down to see how everybody was doing in blogland.
I clicked on over to CBG blog, and saw that she was hosting a
photo comparison challenge! You take a picture of yourself today, and compare it to a picture of you at your heaviest. Then you compliment yourself on the changes you've made!!

It's hard to compliment myself, or to even see the difference between me at 206, and me at 180. Sometimes I convince myself that I'm exactly the same. This challenge was a great way to help me see the progress I've made, and give myself a pat on the back!!

Here it goes! :

Before picture:
(February 2007)This isn't actually me at my heaviest. I was about 190-195 (my heaviest was 206). This was either right before or soon after I found out I had low thyroid, and got put on low thyroid meds. And it's before I found out I had PCOS. It's pretty weird that I'm only about 10 pounds lighter now, then I was in these pictures. Back then I was bloated, and my hormones were all out of whack. This was a very painful time for me. I gained 50lbs in 1 year. I didn't know what the heck was going on. All I knew, was I was fat, unhappy, and embarrassed. I refused to meet new people, and to be honest, I didn't go out of the house much. I never wanted a picture taken of me. The only reason I have these pictures, is because it was valentines day, and my husband insisted on getting a picture of his beautiful wife, on v-day. I love my husband so much for loving me during that time, and still telling me I was beautiful each and every day. Gosh I'm lucky.

Today's Picture:I see quite a big physical change. My chubby cheeks aren't so chubby. I don't have as much acne now (glad that's gone!). And I have a bit more of a jawline!!

But the true changes I see, go way past my physical appearance.
For one, I'm posing for the camera, and I was actually having a fun little photo shoot (in my bathroom;). I actually feel pretty enough to snap away with the camera! I feel worthy enough to be apart of the world (although I'm realizing now that I was always worthy...).

Looking at my before pictures, reminds me of all the struggles, heartache, and confusion I had back then.

Today I'm happy.
I can see it in these pictures, and I can feel it.
I'm taking charge of my life, and my health. I'm no longer confused, and feel like I have no control over what the heck my body is doing. I'm in control. I'm on one of the most wonderful journeys. Everyday I wake up, I know I'm getting closer and closer to my happy ending, and that fills my heart with excitement, and hope, each and every day. Two things I did not have, in my before picture!
Today, I'm :Deliciously Healthy! And man it feels good!!