Selasa, 23 Oktober 2012

Tuesday


An Update:

1. Continuing to work two jobs.  A regular day time, 40 hour shift AND a part time, night'er too.

Ironically, my day job is full time until the end of the year.  I had been so confident that it would turn part time at the end of this month, that I hurried to find a supplement.  Go figure.

I work in the belly of an academic library, closed off from the real world and safe in my little space. Students work quietly on their laptops and I walk the silent rows of journals, making sure all is well. I like it. I like the people I work with and the calm nature of the library environment.

There is something addicting about working at this part time gig though, and I am hard pressed to identify what it is.  I thought I couldn't do it, that I would want to quit right away given the impossiblity of living on so little sleep AND the harsh reality of not having Violet sleep at my place anymore. 

It is so weird because I am basically half asleep when I am there, the night turning into morning through my shift but I find myself wanting to go there each evening.  I get so little sleep now that when I do find time for a solid eight hours, I cannot ease my body+mind into relaxation.  I am always awake.  I will tell ya though, being in a half wake/half sleep state so often leads to a complete "I don't give a f*ck" state of being, as in, I just roll with the punches instead of freaking out.  I like this very  much.  I am sick of being on edge all the time.  I am ready to just be.  And yeah, maybe it won't last long given that I won't be able to handle it forever, but for now, I like this change in state.

2. Given my new schedule, I have been feeling a lot better about myself in general.  Before this I was thinking too much.  Worrying.  Feeling too confused.  I wasn't sleeping well.  Eating poorly and not exercising. 

I don't know what I need to feel good in the grand scheme but I do know that right now, in this present moment in my life, this crazy work schedule is just what I need.  My focus is taken away from my "struggles" and positioned into the here and now.  I am trying like hell to pull from my heart, my authentic self, to be the best and feel the best that I can.

3. Naturally I miss Violet right now.  I drop her off at school (which has been going much better lately now that she has taken a liking to a couple of little friends) and go on with my day.  I sort of push my sadness back, when it creeps in, when I start to think about all of the hours that will pass between our being together.  I don't want to be sad.  I don't want to feel like I am not doing the right thing or that I am missing out our time together.  I choose to do this single mother thing (even though it sucks), the sacrifice of full time work is necessary right now.... so I want to cherish the time we get.

 

Tidak ada komentar:

Posting Komentar