Tuesday

In my general efforts to feel better about myself and my life, I recently purchased a self help book I've been thinking about for a while... Transparency by John Kim.  His website described it and I found myself intrigued.  I've leafed through other self help books before and was even ordered to read one from a therapist at one time but honestly, have never felt a connection to their content.  It has always been either dry as hell or too fluffy.  But this one is pretty good.  Short, sweet and to the point.  I like that.

I haven't finished it yet but one theme I read struck me this morning on my way to work.  It is the idea of not living in the past.  I have a hard time with this idea and it causes me a lot of pain sometimes.  My mind naturally wanders to all of the things I have done, bad things, things that shame me or hurt me, memories that make me sad or things that have happened to me that I cannot change.   I was driving along and suddenly realized that I was completely wrapped up in memories of my marriage and family life, times now gone.  Like a movie playing in my mind, thoughts of things I no longer have.  I started to get so f*cking sad I almost began to cry.  This happens sometimes I guess but I would rather it not so much anymore.  I want to accept my life as it is now and feel good.  So I thought about not living in the past and turned up my radio.  It was *Rocket Man* and I was glad because I love to try and sing along even though I am never sure exactly what he is saying...

"...And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone..."

 
I sang and pulled myself out of the loop.  Every time my mind started to slip back again -- thinking about this bad lady in my circle that really irks me or about my job/Violet school woes or about my financials --- I reigned it back around and changed my thoughts to the present.  In the car, singing my heart out, driving and enjoying the time to myself.  The sun and trees and road.  The feeling of good food in my belly finally.  The here and now.  Nothing about the future or the past.  And it felt like some progress was happening. 

I am going to try this practice more often and especially at night when I cannot fall back to sleep.