Wednesday

This is true. 

I post this because my lil' sis S sent me a text message after reading my last post.
She told me that it will be OKAY.  She is a child and family therapist and also a very special, knowledgable lady -- she said Violet's reaction to the sitter is normal and will probably extend to her upcoming preschool stint too.  To know this is comforting and frustrating all at the same time.

I am glad to have people around that know these things.  I was pretty much caught up in the fire for a while there, in my own head, thinking serious job-quitting thoughts.  I was ready to throw in the towel and truthfully, I am still reeling a little.  I don't know what I am doing!  But I never really do and most of the time I only rush through this kind of chaos and hope it works out after.

In my own experience, for a long while now, things haven't felt quite comfortable.  Life in general has felt uneasy.  It is hard to describe really, but it feels like I am not where I should be.  I don't know if I mean physically or emotionally as the lines have definitely blurred.  I don't know what I am doing or if I am doing anything right - for me and my girl.  I am not sad or mad or a mess -- just kind of in no-man's-land right now.  Maybe it is a phase.  I mean I hope it is.  The separation from Violet's Daddy and the obstacles of our strained schedule have pushed me into a kind of stressed state of being all of the time.

I struggle with diet and exercise more than ever.  My body rarely moves anymore.  I find that I am scrunched up, closed in and tight, causing pressure inside and out. There is a kind of shallowness of breath and persistant headache that I sometimes ignore and sometimes cannot.

I know diet and exercise are the keys to health - emotional and physical health - and ignoring them are hurtful.

My crazy veggie based diet and my love for yoga are my saving grace.  They can feel like another obstacle or "chore" because life as I know it is designed for convenience and speed.  Setting aside time to do a yoga routine or prepare all of my own meals can be almost impossible sometimes.  I have to remember that I NEED these things to live, to be me, to feel like myself.  The further I get from what I love, the worse I feel.  I am worth the effort, damn it, I know this already.  The expense of organic, fresh food and yoga classes is high but so is my losing my grip.  I do the math and it is quite clear.