Senin, 27 Februari 2012

Monday Blues

Diet and exercise aside - not that I am very successful at either these days - I have been having a very hard time lately. 

Violet does not like going to childcare. 

Some days are better than others, yes.  But for the most part, she does not like it.  I have found ways to help the transition but she is adamant and strong.  She knows how she feels about it and does not want to be in a strange place.  I do not blame her either.

This is her last week at the sitter's as she starts preschool next week.  She seems to have mixed feelings about her time there.  She tells me that she is lonely, that she has a hard time with some of the other children... then when her Daddy picks her up in the afternoon, she tells him she had fun that day.  I definitely wish he had some responsibility bringing her there in the mornings, he doesn't share any of the sadness -- I feel like a horrible mother, abandoning my child.  I cannot be consoled the entire ride to work.  I think of her tears and her little arms wrapped around me, begging me not to leave her.  And for what?  To make peanuts, after a 45 minute commute (costing me about $10 per day right now with tolls and the ridiculous cost of fuel).

These encounters make me question EVERYTHING.  Am I doing the right thing?  Should I look for a different job where I can work at night again?  Is she going to love me less now?  Will she believe I abandoned her, for real?  Is any of this even worth it?  If I get another job won't I regret it when she goes to school full time in September?  Will I always regret taking this job because I had a few precious months left with her?

I feel sad and lost and I don't know how to handle the feelings.  If it is not one thing, it seems to be another.  I found a job I actually like (pay aside) but now I have to mourn the loss of Violet time and the horror show of leaving her somewhere she doesn't want to be.  The heartbreak I feel when I leave her there is stronger than any pain I've known so far.  No stupid relationship heartache or mean-spirited relative has ever hurt me like this.  This is what pain really is and I hope it passes soon!

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