Senin, 02 September 2013

Monday


The photo above is one of my favorite pictures from this summer.  We were just hanging out at the park, not really doing anything in particular. I was enjoying Violet's company very much on a beautiful, sunny, lazy day.  We were laughing about something I cannot remember now but I distinctly remember looking into her beautiful face, thinking how lucky I am to have something so wonderful in my life.  It is memories like this that I will take with me always.  I had THE BEST summer ever with my girl and although it was tough financially, it was amazing to bond with her.  I feel so grateful for it!  No professional opportunity or pitfall alike could take the place or luster away from how awesome this time was for me and I feel bad for all the mothers that weren't able to spend their summer with their babies too.

I am back to work now.  My schedule started a week too early, a week before Violet starts school.  I wanted to time the start of my job with her schooling perfectly but a week-off-schedule isn't too bad really.

You see, I have shied away from talking about my work situation because I have felt so many mixed emotions about it.  In February my museum job, my first real job with my own office and support staff of 30+ people, the job that actually utilized my degree and gave me a real sense of accomplishment ... was eliminated when the museum finalized their annual budget.  My job and several others were taken away, leaving me and some coworkers out of a job very suddenly.  I was immediately scared, ashamed and kind of relieved (in some way) and I didn't know what to do!  I knew things weren't well at the museum as I watched others lose their jobs before me but I never thought it would be ME to get the ax.  It really hit home that anyone, anyone at all including myself, could lose their livelihood in an instant.  I was one of the millions to be "laid off", I was one of the statistics and it was no longer something happening in the world, it was happening to ME.

My new job took a long, long time to find, all summer actually and I had to look for it so bad.  And man, it is nothing like my museum job, NOTHING.  But it is work, work that allows me to always bring my girl to school in the morning and also pick her up after.  That schedule is called "mother's hours" and it is what is most important to me.  I am essentially working a position that is so drastically different from my last one ONLY because the schedule fits my daughter's so well.  I find myself so lost in a sea of feelings each day at work because I don't like the work I am doing but I can't leave it.  I have to pay my bills and I want to work while Violet is in school.  It is a kind of sacrifice I am making to be with her, I believe.  I want more for myself, I really really do.  But for now, this will have to do.

I now work with 50+ other women.  LOTS of older women.  They all have high school aged children and do this job because of the schedule, just like me.  I am the youngest there and I feel the age difference clearly.  I am shy, so it has been a challenge to open-up and try to relate to them.  I am hoping very much that I will find my place and feel more comfortable in the position.  In just a week, I have found that I genuinely like my new boss very much. She is a supportive person and cares about us, qualities that lacked in my last supervisor.  This is a promising situation that I find important if I am going to stick with it.

My life isn't perfect right now.  I am struggling some with finances and such, but it's not all bad.  I won't lie and say that life is SO AMAZING and that I am living a dream.  I don't have romantic delusions because as I've said, I won't lie to myself just to make something work, especially if it isn't good for Violet.  I don't have whims of a perfect life or anything to brag about right now but it's still all good. As I've said before, I don't have to desperately depend on a man or pretend anything about myself, I am my own woman! Yeah! For a job, a beautiful daughter, a good family and my own strength, I am very grateful.

I am also very grateful for this blog.  A place for me to vent, share and embrace all the stories and experiences I am having in my crazy, never-boring life.  I look back at where I've been and I can continually see how many changes I've gone through in these past few years.  It is amazing to have such documentation! Especially regarding Violet, my beautiful girl.  I am so lucky to have this place to be ME.

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