Thursday

I've been missing Violet extra lately.

By coincidence she hasn't been at my house as often.  My schedule does not allow for much time with her anyway and she has chosen to spend more time with her Dad as of late.  One missed day feels like a lot.

I won't make her stay with me just because it is my designated day. I want her to feel happy and free to choose, but I won't say it doesn't hurt when it happens.

He is way cooler.  I will admit that straight-up.  And nicer and doesn't even have to try.  And probably just better overall.

But yeah, I still miss her like crazy and it feels pretty bad.

Being in a split-family situation SUCKS.  No one wants to do it to themselves and definitely not to their kid.  Believe me, if I could just be totally awesome and normal and do the marriage thing for Violet's sake, I would.  But then Violet would be all weird, not to say she won't be weird because of the split, but I don't want to give her issues because I am a psychotic married person. 

I don't know, maybe I screw her up either way.  I hope not though.

I've felt this overpowering need to OVERmother her.  Like, prove myself every second we are together.  Shower her with attention and love and understanding.  I suppose some of this is good.  Being present is huge.  But then, I feel tremendous pressure and guilt when things aren't perfect.  That is not good for me or her.  I try so damn hard, to be the best I can possibly be.  I am dealing with some hefty shit right now, like emotional trauma and stupid junk (self imposed mind you).. but still.

I see overzealous mothers.  Oh yes, I know some in my own life.  They are extremely annoying and I often feel pity for them, having to overcompensate for something somewhere in their own minds.  But then I find myself falling into that role because it happens so easily.

Almost every single day I am brought back to a conversation I had with my parents in regard to finding full time child care after I found out I had gotten my new job.  I was really worried about finding the best in care.  But also, I was worried about how I would feel giving up my precious time with her.  I told them how attached we were, how I had basically been with her every single day of her life since birth, only leaving four hours a day for my part time job.  They brushed these worries off, only to state that her Father was just as big a part of her life as I. 

The conversation hurt me forever after I think.  I wanted someone to tell me that I could be proud of raising my girl for so long, that this was a huge deal, leaving her in the care of someone else.  I got nothing but a guilt trip for leaving her Father. 

Ever since she was born I've had nights where I lay in bed crying myself into sleep because I don't know how to cope.  I fear her age, how she won't be my baby anymore.  How I won't be able to hold her.  Her body too heavy for me to hold in my arms, too mature for such things.  This thought paralyzes me, makes me instantly cry.  And will she loathe my choice to live alone?  Think I ruined some ideal of family that I didn't allow to happen... Maybe she won't want to spend time with me.  I know that happens now and she is only five.

I keep telling myself to calm down and relax.  There is still time.  Time to spend with her, time to chill out and just be.  I think the best times are when I actually take my own advice and experience Violet with no expectations.  She is still my baby, regardless of what anyone says or thinks or anything.  That is what I have to remember.

Violet: circa 2009 (I think!).