It's been almost 3 weeks since I last posted.
I honestly have no idea what the heck happened to the time. At one point, I thought it had been a week since I last posted, but when I looked at my blog, I realized it had been two! Then I spent this past week with writers block. And here I still sit with it. So I'm going to push through it, and just type.
Do you know what goes through my mind as soon as my eyes open in the morning? My diet. My weight. Fertility, and trying to get pregnant while also trying to lose weight. It's also what's going through my mind as I fall asleep at night. Come to think of it, I'm constantly thinking about it. I am so sick of it! I'm tired of thinking about it.
I hate that it's easy one day, and seemingly impossible the next day. I hate that I couldn't have just stayed skinny after I got married. I hate my stretch marks, and what I've done to my body. I hate that it's been 1 1/2 years, and I've only lost 45 pounds in that time. I hate that I waisted half of that 1 1/2 years not being fully committed. I could have made it to my goal weight during that time, if I had really given it all I had, 100% of the time; and I hate that. I hate trying to lose weight, while trying to get pregnant. One half of me wants to roll my sleeves up, and kick some serious weight loss butt. I want to give it all I've got, and lose my last 40 pounds in 6 months. That half of me is secretly hoping I don't get pregnant that month, so I can lose more weight. The other half of me wants to get pregnant. This month. I want to be a mother, and I'm tired of waiting. The two halves totally contradict each other, and sabotage one another. When I'm thinking about my weight loss, the thought actually crosses my mind to put trying to get pregnant aside for 6 months, so I can lose the rest of my weight. But when I'm favoring the baby side, all I can think about is how excited I am to be a mother, and I absolutely hate myself for ever thinking about putting getting pregnant on hold. I hate this fertility/weight loss battle that is constantly going on in my head.
So that's what's going on with me. I'm trying to figure out which I want more: Getting to my goal weight, or getting pregnant. I want them both...
I honestly have no idea what the heck happened to the time. At one point, I thought it had been a week since I last posted, but when I looked at my blog, I realized it had been two! Then I spent this past week with writers block. And here I still sit with it. So I'm going to push through it, and just type.
Do you know what goes through my mind as soon as my eyes open in the morning? My diet. My weight. Fertility, and trying to get pregnant while also trying to lose weight. It's also what's going through my mind as I fall asleep at night. Come to think of it, I'm constantly thinking about it. I am so sick of it! I'm tired of thinking about it.
I hate that it's easy one day, and seemingly impossible the next day. I hate that I couldn't have just stayed skinny after I got married. I hate my stretch marks, and what I've done to my body. I hate that it's been 1 1/2 years, and I've only lost 45 pounds in that time. I hate that I waisted half of that 1 1/2 years not being fully committed. I could have made it to my goal weight during that time, if I had really given it all I had, 100% of the time; and I hate that. I hate trying to lose weight, while trying to get pregnant. One half of me wants to roll my sleeves up, and kick some serious weight loss butt. I want to give it all I've got, and lose my last 40 pounds in 6 months. That half of me is secretly hoping I don't get pregnant that month, so I can lose more weight. The other half of me wants to get pregnant. This month. I want to be a mother, and I'm tired of waiting. The two halves totally contradict each other, and sabotage one another. When I'm thinking about my weight loss, the thought actually crosses my mind to put trying to get pregnant aside for 6 months, so I can lose the rest of my weight. But when I'm favoring the baby side, all I can think about is how excited I am to be a mother, and I absolutely hate myself for ever thinking about putting getting pregnant on hold. I hate this fertility/weight loss battle that is constantly going on in my head.
So that's what's going on with me. I'm trying to figure out which I want more: Getting to my goal weight, or getting pregnant. I want them both...
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar